The Recompense of a Faithful Spirit...Friendship
"A friend loveth at all times..." Proverbs 17:17
This week I was blessed with such a beautiful gift.
If you are at all acquainted with me, you know me to be consistently busy with little extra time. There always seems to be some area at work or in the church or in the home that needs attention so I'm quick to respond. That leaves little time for developing friendships but doesn't necessarily mean I do not care.
As I'm sure many of you have also experienced, I've also been the subject of rejected friendship many times so that my most recent close friendship--aside from my husband, which is a different relationship altogether--was during my time in New Mexico. I've had friends but few friends who would stick by you through thick and thin. In fact, that's why few are still standing at my side! It got too thin due to the pressures of life.
Scientists Say
Here's how it shakes out: As we grow older and our circle of acquaintance grows smaller, establishing new friendships becomes more difficult. In high school or grade school, you are placed with a large number of people who are in your same age bracket experiencing the same types of challenges. Once you move into the workforce, there is a much larger spread in experiences, age ranges, and lifestyles, making it more difficult to create a connection.
I also think that as we age, we experience more and more rejection or failed relationships. We begin to build walls and even try to guess the result of an encounter with someone before it happens, possibly denying ourselves friendship because we are too careful.
Friendship In the Church: Putting the Numbers To It
Building walls of protection can become a symptom of not only those in ministry but also saints.
In ministry, often there is jealousy of our calling or misunderstanding of our decisions that can erect walls between us and others. But those in ministry aren't the only ones suffering.
As a saint, truth separates us from worldly friends we once held dear. Because the world does not understand our lifestyle, it becomes easier to simply make friends within the church rather than outside it. Those in the church already understand your beliefs so you don't have to explain yourself.
Next, consider the limited pool you have to choose from in your local assembly. In high school, I was privileged to be placed in a building with 2,800 young people to choose a friend from--all in the same life stage. Within the church, although they are all good people, a rather large percentage are in a completely different life stage.
For instance, we are in what I call the "new baby stage" so we naturally find common ground with other new parents. But there are also singles, young marrieds, youth, college kids, mid-lifers, retirees. The list goes on and on. And it can mean having less in common to connect you.
In a congregation, once you find those in a similar life stage, then there's the difference in interests. My husband and I, for instance, love Disney, vintage antiques and music (1920s-1940s), and reading. Try finding that same exact combination and you see the dilemma!
In a congregation of 5,000, it can be difficult to truly connect with someone but even more so in smaller congregations.
Imperfect Friendship
Friendship, however, can surpass age, varied interests, life stages, and even belief.
In fact, for me, I have been given the gift of three women's friendship recently. Only one of these is in the church and in similar ministry capacity. The other two are not within the congregation, thereby surpassing even the Truth barrier.
Note...Overcoming that barrier is what it takes to truly win those you meet on the job, next door, in the neighborhood market. We have to reach beyond reason. Proverbs 18:24 tells us that "a man that hath friends must shew himself friendly."
In today's plastic world where even ATM machines and personal computers greet you by name, it takes more than a smile or a compliment now and then to win a friendship.
These are uncertain times and trust is a hard won gift.
My Gift...A 2 1/2 Year Process
The Story of Marilyn
When I first came to work at my current business, there were several who didn't understand why I was so different. It soon became a point of derision. I drove home with a sagging heart and a tear in my eye on many days, and I did my best to steer clear of the group as it began to form like storm clouds on the horizon.
But one girl stood out to me. Yes, she was part of the group but, as I told my husband, I felt a burden for her. As a child of God, He can direct you to people. He doesn't always explain why but you feel that tug in your heart.
I made up my mind that I would not return evil for evil. Instead, I would lay low, do what was asked of me, and survive. Retaliation has never been a pretty word to me and, to my knowledge, I've never sought it. It's one of the most ungodly actions in my book; yes, that's the book of Genessa, chapter 12, and verse 3!
Instead, I continued to be kind to Marilyn.
When her husband broke his back and it would be a month before his paycheck would be replaced with an FMLA check, we bought them a week's worth of groceries. We ate tostadas and soup but made the sacrifice to send them fajitas, roast, and even snacks for their little girl.
Galatians 6:2 "Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ."
Shocker -> The gift was not well received. Marilyn took the groceries but the next day, an HR email went out saying that giving to people in tough times when they haven't asked for help is insulting. I was completely shocked and felt that my kindness had been rejected...as I believe it could have been.
Several months later with her husband still bedridden after back surgery, Marilyn found out that the baby she was carrying would have Downs Syndrome. I took time to talk to her and explain the power of prayer and we began to pray.
Suddenly, Marilyn's world started to come apart. With the responsibility for taking care of her family of three almost completely on her shoulders and a baby with special needs on the way, work issues started to arise. An attitude here...a broken system there...frustration that could be worked through if it weren't for the personal issues.
She let me take her for coffee a couple times or we'd meet in the cafe at work. I just listened as she vented or cried, depending on the day.
When a fellow coworker had hurt her feelings, I listened as she talked it out. When she asked for my input, I talked about tolerance and forgiveness rather than feeding her hurt by gossip. The two soon made up and, not only do I not have to fear her repeating my words about this girl, but I was able to establish that I wouldn't betray either of them.
These events have taken place over two and a half years...slowly...as I was given the opportunity.
The Recompense of a Faithful Spirit
When the news that our department was restructuring--and the fact that it would directly impact my position--arrived in my inbox, I soon received a text message from Marilyn.
She asked if I was alright. I told her I was...and then she said, "You know I'm here for you. I am your friend no matter what and I'll stand by you. I've got your back. You've always had mine."
This time, she took me for coffee. And then I realized, it truly will come back to you...
Real Friendship
Has everyone I've been kind to repaid me with kind treatment or friendship? No.
Have I always been able to show the same loyalty and unwavering generosity to everyone? Again, no. I'm human after all. There are those I choose to distance myself from because of repeated hurts. Sometimes, if you know you might retaliate or harbor bitterness, it's best to first forgive and then walk away.
But then there are those few and far between moments like this one that make all your efforts--even with others--worthwhile. Of all those I've shown kindness and forbearance, this one moment--in fact, these three offers of friendship--have made it all worthwhile!
Some Tips on Friendship
Keep in mind that fast friends can just as easily become fast enemies.
Real friendship grows like a vine up a wall, slowly grasping tiny crevices and imperfections as the Son-light gives it strength. Reaching tentatively over the top, it eventually grips its way onto the other side of the barrier we once thought would render us alone for all time.
It takes time.
It takes patience.
It takes forgiveness, faithfulness, trial and error, sincerity, true godliness, gentleness and humility...
It even takes trust when trust may not be justified.
It takes a faithful spirit.
Most of all, it takes two people willing to reach across the wall. And, despite the uncertainty I am facing right now, I wouldn't trade this turning point for anything.
God, thank you for the recompense of a faithful spirit!
This week I was blessed with such a beautiful gift.
If you are at all acquainted with me, you know me to be consistently busy with little extra time. There always seems to be some area at work or in the church or in the home that needs attention so I'm quick to respond. That leaves little time for developing friendships but doesn't necessarily mean I do not care.
As I'm sure many of you have also experienced, I've also been the subject of rejected friendship many times so that my most recent close friendship--aside from my husband, which is a different relationship altogether--was during my time in New Mexico. I've had friends but few friends who would stick by you through thick and thin. In fact, that's why few are still standing at my side! It got too thin due to the pressures of life.
Scientists Say
Here's how it shakes out: As we grow older and our circle of acquaintance grows smaller, establishing new friendships becomes more difficult. In high school or grade school, you are placed with a large number of people who are in your same age bracket experiencing the same types of challenges. Once you move into the workforce, there is a much larger spread in experiences, age ranges, and lifestyles, making it more difficult to create a connection.
I also think that as we age, we experience more and more rejection or failed relationships. We begin to build walls and even try to guess the result of an encounter with someone before it happens, possibly denying ourselves friendship because we are too careful.
Friendship In the Church: Putting the Numbers To It
Building walls of protection can become a symptom of not only those in ministry but also saints.
In ministry, often there is jealousy of our calling or misunderstanding of our decisions that can erect walls between us and others. But those in ministry aren't the only ones suffering.
As a saint, truth separates us from worldly friends we once held dear. Because the world does not understand our lifestyle, it becomes easier to simply make friends within the church rather than outside it. Those in the church already understand your beliefs so you don't have to explain yourself.
Next, consider the limited pool you have to choose from in your local assembly. In high school, I was privileged to be placed in a building with 2,800 young people to choose a friend from--all in the same life stage. Within the church, although they are all good people, a rather large percentage are in a completely different life stage.
For instance, we are in what I call the "new baby stage" so we naturally find common ground with other new parents. But there are also singles, young marrieds, youth, college kids, mid-lifers, retirees. The list goes on and on. And it can mean having less in common to connect you.
In a congregation, once you find those in a similar life stage, then there's the difference in interests. My husband and I, for instance, love Disney, vintage antiques and music (1920s-1940s), and reading. Try finding that same exact combination and you see the dilemma!
In a congregation of 5,000, it can be difficult to truly connect with someone but even more so in smaller congregations.
Imperfect Friendship
Friendship, however, can surpass age, varied interests, life stages, and even belief.
In fact, for me, I have been given the gift of three women's friendship recently. Only one of these is in the church and in similar ministry capacity. The other two are not within the congregation, thereby surpassing even the Truth barrier.
Note...Overcoming that barrier is what it takes to truly win those you meet on the job, next door, in the neighborhood market. We have to reach beyond reason. Proverbs 18:24 tells us that "a man that hath friends must shew himself friendly."
In today's plastic world where even ATM machines and personal computers greet you by name, it takes more than a smile or a compliment now and then to win a friendship.
These are uncertain times and trust is a hard won gift.
My Gift...A 2 1/2 Year Process
- To gain a person's friendship, sincerity is one of the most important traits you must have. Faithfulness, being transparent, and honesty is key. Being real is a form of being faithful to others. No, we don't smile all the time as Christians; we have our share of tears. Being honest about your fears and tears, however, also shows others how you work out your problems with faith in God. It's a full circle.
- To gain friendship, you must also be of a faithful spirit. Proverbs 11:13 says that "a talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter." A true friend does not gossip about their friends...or to them! Gossiping only shows them is that you'll talk about them as soon as their back is turned!
- To gain friendship, you must love even when it is unmerited. Proverbs 17 shows that a friend can be more loving than even a brother, but it's a choice, a lifestyle, and takes a lot of grace!
The Story of Marilyn
But one girl stood out to me. Yes, she was part of the group but, as I told my husband, I felt a burden for her. As a child of God, He can direct you to people. He doesn't always explain why but you feel that tug in your heart.
I made up my mind that I would not return evil for evil. Instead, I would lay low, do what was asked of me, and survive. Retaliation has never been a pretty word to me and, to my knowledge, I've never sought it. It's one of the most ungodly actions in my book; yes, that's the book of Genessa, chapter 12, and verse 3!
Instead, I continued to be kind to Marilyn.
When her husband broke his back and it would be a month before his paycheck would be replaced with an FMLA check, we bought them a week's worth of groceries. We ate tostadas and soup but made the sacrifice to send them fajitas, roast, and even snacks for their little girl.
Galatians 6:2 "Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ."
Shocker -> The gift was not well received. Marilyn took the groceries but the next day, an HR email went out saying that giving to people in tough times when they haven't asked for help is insulting. I was completely shocked and felt that my kindness had been rejected...as I believe it could have been.
Several months later with her husband still bedridden after back surgery, Marilyn found out that the baby she was carrying would have Downs Syndrome. I took time to talk to her and explain the power of prayer and we began to pray.
Suddenly, Marilyn's world started to come apart. With the responsibility for taking care of her family of three almost completely on her shoulders and a baby with special needs on the way, work issues started to arise. An attitude here...a broken system there...frustration that could be worked through if it weren't for the personal issues.
She let me take her for coffee a couple times or we'd meet in the cafe at work. I just listened as she vented or cried, depending on the day.
When a fellow coworker had hurt her feelings, I listened as she talked it out. When she asked for my input, I talked about tolerance and forgiveness rather than feeding her hurt by gossip. The two soon made up and, not only do I not have to fear her repeating my words about this girl, but I was able to establish that I wouldn't betray either of them.
These events have taken place over two and a half years...slowly...as I was given the opportunity.
The Recompense of a Faithful Spirit
When the news that our department was restructuring--and the fact that it would directly impact my position--arrived in my inbox, I soon received a text message from Marilyn.
She asked if I was alright. I told her I was...and then she said, "You know I'm here for you. I am your friend no matter what and I'll stand by you. I've got your back. You've always had mine."
This time, she took me for coffee. And then I realized, it truly will come back to you...
Real Friendship
Has everyone I've been kind to repaid me with kind treatment or friendship? No.
Have I always been able to show the same loyalty and unwavering generosity to everyone? Again, no. I'm human after all. There are those I choose to distance myself from because of repeated hurts. Sometimes, if you know you might retaliate or harbor bitterness, it's best to first forgive and then walk away.
But then there are those few and far between moments like this one that make all your efforts--even with others--worthwhile. Of all those I've shown kindness and forbearance, this one moment--in fact, these three offers of friendship--have made it all worthwhile!
Some Tips on Friendship
Keep in mind that fast friends can just as easily become fast enemies.
Real friendship grows like a vine up a wall, slowly grasping tiny crevices and imperfections as the Son-light gives it strength. Reaching tentatively over the top, it eventually grips its way onto the other side of the barrier we once thought would render us alone for all time.
It takes time.
It takes patience.
It takes forgiveness, faithfulness, trial and error, sincerity, true godliness, gentleness and humility...
It even takes trust when trust may not be justified.
It takes a faithful spirit.
Most of all, it takes two people willing to reach across the wall. And, despite the uncertainty I am facing right now, I wouldn't trade this turning point for anything.
God, thank you for the recompense of a faithful spirit!
