Finding God's Best in a Lifetime Partner
Divorce in the church? Yes, it’s undeniable! In fact, current statistics show very little difference between the divorce rate of people within the Christian community and people outside of it. We might well ask why that is happening. Why are people who call themselves Christians divorcing almost as often and as easily as those outside the church? I don’t know that anyone has divorce statistics specific to Apostolic churches, but we all know that divorce happens there, too.
A primary reason I see for this happening is that many Christians and, yes, even Apostolics, are choosing their spouses by the same criteria as those in the world. They see the packaging and are attracted to what they see, but they don’t know how to discern the elements of character. They look on the outside rather than on the heart. They often let lust become involved by not maintaining sexual purity in a pre-marriage relationship and all objectivity and godly discernment go out the window.
So, how can we as parents, teachers, youth leaders, and pastors help keep our young people and, indeed, even older singles, from being caught in the same web? We must teach them how to find God’s best for their lives by selecting a lifetime partner according to God’s criteria.
God looks on the heart and discerns the elements of character. (See I Samuel 16:7.) We must teach how to recognize character traits in a potential partner, traits such as trustworthiness, respect, responsibility, integrity, reliability, accountability, and self control. We must teach how to not just hear someone’s words, but to observe their behavior over a period of time and to listen to that person’s heart.
We must teach them that the number-one criterion to finding the right partner is to have their own spiritual life in order. Only then can they clearly hear God’s direction. We must teach them what being equally yoked actually means in terms of lifetime partners having similar values and goals in life.
In his book, Finding the Love of Your Life, author Neil Clark Warren outlines the seven most common causes for not selecting the right mate. They are:
1. The decision to marry is made too quickly. Studies show a direct correlation between the length of the dating or courtship period and divorce statistics. With an abbreviated period, the couple is still long on fantasy and short on reality in terms of who they are marrying.
2. The decision to marry is made too young. The divorce rate for 21- to 22-year-olds is twice as high as for 24- to 25-year-olds. Divorce rates are lowest for those getting married at 28 or older. It is more difficult to discern others’ character when we have not yet discovered our own.
3. One or both members of the couple are too eager to get married. Perhaps they are tired of being alone or they might be afraid the other person will change their mind. They may want to leave a troubled home environment or they could be driven by an unrealistic image of marriage as being full of fun and excitement like Disneyland.
4. One or both members of the couple might be choosing a particular person to please someone else. Possibly parents or others are pressuring them to marry the “he’s/she’s just perfect for you” person. We certainly cannot ignore input from others, but we must learn to consider it carefully while making a decision according to God’s leading.
5. The experience base is too narrow. While there are couples who married their “first love” and are successful, they are in the minority. Having the experience of knowing and interacting with different personalities helps develop the ability to recognize characteristics of compatibility. Again, at a young age, it is difficult to know ourselves intimately, much less others.
6. Unrealistic expectations. If we select a partner based on that person making us “feel whole,” then we become dependent on that person to continue doing and being what makes us feel that way. That can become the basis of much marital conflict. We hear of opposites attracting and they certainly do. However, that can also mean that each person is out of balance and in need of balancing through personal healing and growth. It takes two whole people to truly become one in marriage.
7. One or both have unaddressed, significant personality or behavior problems. Many couples enter into marriage with a hidden agenda to “fix” the other person. “He’s just perfect, except for. . . . But, I can help him change that.” Couples must assume that everything they currently see that they don’t like in a person will only intensify over the years.
In our sex-permeated society, it takes very intentional teaching and mentoring to help our young people and singles swim against the tide and make godly choices when it comes to selecting a lifetime partner. By taking the time and making the effort to prepare them beforehand, we can save them from years of regret and the heart-rending pain of wrong choices.
